Alan goes his own way
by Alan wannabe
Summary: After his heart attack, Alan wonders if it is worth living with Denny gone


Alan goes his own way (slash)

Probably too long, but healing is not a fast matter:

As Alan was sitting in the gymnasium of Boston General contemplating whether life would be worth living without Denny, Dr. Forrest(his cardiologist since he had come into the E.R. unconsciencious) recognized the cloud on his visage and stopped by him for a 'short' chat. "Alan," he said softly, "I recognize all too well the expression on your face. I have seen it on others faces as well, and it never bodes well. You must be thinking about Denny and whether your attempt to live without him has any use or meaning. I am a curious guy, so I asked around about your attorney skills and I got an earful. As a doctor, I have not had much use for lawyers in general. But I could tell from talking to you that you are a learned and thinking man! Your former colleagues at Chang, Poole and Schmidt had many very good things to say about you as a professional, and as a charitable man as well. It seems that you are thought of as a prankster, but also, somewhat of a genius at the law as well as loving and caring to especially disadvantaged peope,as well as both your colleagues, even the most quirky of the rather quirky lot. The bravery and persistence you have shown in your recovery has been somewhat remarkable. For a man who was not known to be health-conscientious, you have stubbornly kept to even the least pleasant of the courses that I have asked you to take. I know that you have the fortitude to gain a healthy body, and one who is capable of so much love that many never even dream of having. I personally hate to lose you as a friend! In fact I am hoping to get you to agree to come out with me when the hospital releases you for a good health restaurant meal, so I can show you how good healthy food can be."

"Come out, like on a date?" Alan whispered not sure what hospital policy was.

" Yes, like on a date. Denny was not the only one to enjoy gay sex without wanting to be labeled as a flaming queen. I am indeed gay, but single for longer than I care to remember. This need not be based on a quote homosexual unquote date basis. I would just to like to know you away from my workplace. You seem like the sort of man I would .like to have in my life, if that is agreeable to you."

"Do you know what a dream it is to a person with cardiac problems to have a doctor in his life?"asked Alan.

"Yes, I do. I am a diabetic myself, and I thank goodness every day that I have a doctor's education .and degree"

"As a matter of fact, I had just been sitting here thinking the very same thing you guessed. A sort of to be or not to be. I don't think that Shakespeare ever answered that question for his Hamlet!" Alan quoted the section from a Little Theater performance of his, which he had retained until this day: "

To be, or not to be,that is the Question:  
Whether 'tis Nobler to be, or not to b in the minde to suffer  
The Slings and Arrowes of outragious Fortune,  
Or to take Armes against a Sea of troubles,  
And by opposing end them: to dye, to sleepe  
No more; and by a sleepe, to say we end  
The Heart-ake, and the thousand Naturall shockes  
That Flesh is heirto? 'Tis a consummation  
Deuoutly to be wish'd. To dye to sleepe,  
To sleepe, perchance to Dreame; I, there's the rub,  
For in that sleepe of death, what dreames may come,  
When we haue shuffel'd off this mortall coile,  
Must giue vs pawse. There's the respect  
That makes Calamity of so long life:  
For who would beare the Whips and Scornes of time,  
The Oppressors wrong, the poore mans Contumely,  
The pangs of dispriz'd Loue, the Lawes delay,  
The insolence of Office, and the Spurnes  
That patient merit of the vnworthy takes,  
When he himselfe might his Quietus make  
With a bare Bodkin? Who would these Fardles beare  
To grunt and sweat vnder a weary life,  
But that the dread of something after death,  
The vndiscouered Countrey, from whose Borne  
No Traueller returnes, Puzels the will,  
And makes vs rather beare those illes we haue,  
Then flye to others that we know not of.  
Thus Conscience does make Cowards of vs all,  
And thus the Natiue hew of Resolution  
Is sicklied o're, with the pale cast of Thought,  
And enterprizes of great pith and moment,  
With this regard their Currants turne away,  
And loose the name of Action.

I don't think that gives Hamlet's words much of a conclusion. I never loved anyone in my life like I did Denny Crane!"

Dr. Forrest answered, "And why should that not continue to be true? A love like that should never need to be replaced by another!"

Alan smiled for the first time that afternoon. "Dr. Forrest, please, what is your first name?"

Dr. Forrest, smiled himself, "Well, I guess that is a good first step.. It's Fabian, not for the pop idol, but to suit my parents' belief in the Fabian Society: a democratic socialist society."

Alan beamed.. "What well-versed parents!"

"Yes, they were Quakers themselves, but eschewed all formal religion."

Alan looked down, and shook his head slightly. "Actually of all the religions I consider Quakerism perhaps the least objectionable, Nixon's membership withstanding."

"Okay, but it's not like two men are going to find the upbringing religion of children that relevant, huh?"

"No", Alan agreed.

"So, what about dinner later?" Dr. Forrest persisted.

"Sounds very healing to me, as you have been all along! But I understand that the hospital has to release me first."

"Without question," Fabian replied.

"Do you perhaps have a nickname?" Alan felt a little distant at that point.

"Do you prefer Fabio?"

"No, most assuredly not."

"Well, if we become closer, we''ll have to come with something else."

"Agreed, I'm sure between your medical genius and my legal brilliance, I'm sure we can." Alan felt himself feeling very close to this tanned, twinkling blue eyed gentle man. So now, I assume back to the track, unless you prefer me on the Nautilus machines."

"I have to admit I really like what the machines are doing to your physique."

Alan blushed slightly, and admitted "I've never been the strong bodied sort of man any man dreams of."

"Your eyes and face and hair are what really do it for me. And your humor. Mostly, your mind!"

"The one thing I cannot do without!"

Dr. Forrest brightened. "That smile, that's my favorite part! And I love seeing it on your face rather than the cloud darkening your face a few minutes ago"

"I must admit that your intervention has helped clear my mind!"

"I am so glad to hear that! Understand that I nor anyone else should try to displace Denny from your mind. A love like that should never be replaced, lest it take away a part of you that is genuine!"

Alan continued into the gymnasium with a smile on his face. "Well, Denny, we could never manage to get buff together. Now it seems I may get slightly buff, my luv! I hope you don't mind, well, you never minded it on Brad anyway", (Alan said to the spirit of Denny he always sensed around him)

Alan wondered how he could go from the depths of depression, when he was considering life without Denny, then suddenly with the possibility of the love of another, he could suddenly find life once again a possibility. Could it just be that he feared being alone that much? Of course, he immediately denied it to himself! But had the relationship begun because he feared being alone when he was not with Denny?. Alan had read of fear of isolation before and knew that it was very difficult to cure. He had had his own problems with psychological problems, most memorably with "word salad", where his words became gibberish when he was anxious (as any lawyer would) but he had never even considered that he might be afraid to be alone. He knew that he had had night terrors, which Denny had mollified by having Alan sleep over at night, tying a rope to each of them so that Alan could not half-awaken and crawl out on the balcony, and then fall over. Alan had never had psychiatry, he never felt that he was sufficiently bothered by anything to seek it. He never seemed a problem when he was with Denny, because, obviously, he was never alone when he was with Denny. Now, he wondered, how many people had committed to someone just because they feared to be alone. He decided that that was not his problem, if it were, he didn't know how he would ever handle it, but that his entry into the life of another, he felt would never be a necessary thing. Then he wondered, if it were to preserve his life, would it seem necessary. Alan decided that he could distinguish friendship and attraction without a panic attack. He attacked the Nautilus weight lifting machine with a vengance. He was able to advance the weight limits somewhat, and remembered how taking his health into his own hands lightened his depression almost every time he began the training program again. Boy, he had a lot for which to be thankful to Fabian (yes, that nickname would have to change, he decided, on his own behalf). Although he liked the derivation of the name, originally, he wondered if no one ever called him something else. How, Alan thought, about an old nickname from the 1960's or 70's=Fab as in the fab four.

Fabian (Fab) stopped into the gymnasium and stopped at the Nautilus weight lifting machine. "Yes, that is definitely one on which you need to work!"

Alan stopped for a moment to answer:"Can you really believe I don't know that?"

"No criticism meant, but you have the shoulders of a lawyer!"

"DUH!" Alan replied with mock sincerity. "So how long do you think before we get to have our health food restaurant date?"

" Maybe another 3-4 months, although it may take more time or less time, depending on how hard you work."

"I guess that may depend on how well I'm inspired."

"Well,I'm not stripping for you here, and I'm not Charles Atlas myself!"

"Always to be preferred to be normal, or at least maybe a bit challenged. I have known body builders and I think I would have preferred not to!"

"The running and even dancing will build your resistance and overall health. And I have to admit that I like your little running shorts!"

"You dirty little doctor!"

Alan laughed as did Dr. Forrest. Fab did indeed look better when he smiled as well. And Alan could see that his arms looked pretty well developed. Dr. Forrest reminded Alan of a young Robert Redford. And Alan could think of no more beautiful man he had ever seen in his life. He took off for the changing room to don his running shorts, still snickering and thinking how silly that must look as well. Still Alan had no doubts about his own facial appearance whatsoever. He did not think himself vain. but as he had told Denny long ago, when he found himself in heat during the spring, he for the most part did not have to seek his mates, they came looking for him. And he tried to remember that a smile is the most appealing expression. He needed to work on that one lately!

Two months of jogging, even running and lifting later, Alan began to think about a marathon. Just think, mind you! He inquired about one, exploring all aspects on the computer in the hospital's library.

It still sounded like self-tortue, to Alan, but maybe a good goal to try to achieve. He did find that the more he extended his efforts, the less periods of depression he had. He tried affirmations as he ran, such as this is getting easier and easier, and I am thinking more and more of the future. But at the back of his mind he could her Tammy Wynette sing to him: "Stand by your man." Than the tears would begin again, and he could hardly believe his man was gone. He had finally admitted to Denny one evening that he needed his friendship, and he could immediatly hear the song. The jogging high would fade and he would plop down to earth again, dissolving in heaving sobs. Often, Fab would be watching him, and would run out to the place where he fell and embrace him.

"Oh, Dr. Forrest, I don't know if I can ever let him go!"

"Just remember, Alan, he's not here anymore (Except in your heart. He left you, no matter how unwillingly."

When the two months had passed, the episodes dwindled, if not the crying jags! Alan and Fab decided that perhaps a marathon on Alan's release from the hospital was perhaps not the best advised goal. But when Alan got signed out of the hospital, he was glad that although he did have enough money to pay the bill, he was glad that he had medical insurance. And that he could now go back to work and start re-saving on his own nickels. Also, he and Denny had spent quite a lot of Denny's money traveling before Denny's death, and Alan really wanted the bulk of Denny's fortune to go to a real love of Denny's: The Coast Guard Reserve. Although it is a branch of the U.S. military, Alan was sure that he could at least buy a bust of Denny to place in their local headquarters, and maybe donate to a Coast Guard training school to be named for Denny, if not having a shot of Denny in his Coast Guard uniform and/or his swimming suit for his Coast Guard test (although Alan felt that neither of them looked their best on that occasion).

Fab (they had both agreed on the nickname, although Dr. Forest feared it was not sufficiently modest) pushed the required wheel chair with Alan in it out the front door. He had the foresight to have Alan's car brought to the hospital door, at the sight of which Alan yipped with glee, and Fab giggled at Alan's joy. Fab jumped into the passenger seat, and announced the directions to the best health food restaurant he Boston, b. good on Dartmouth, and opened the door for Alan to enter. Realizing that he was no longer with Denny, Alan demanded to pay the check. Fab just said, "Whatever. The food here is so inexpensive that there is no need to fight over the check!"

"Not that you would take me to a cheap dive?"

Fab laughed heartily, "Your sense of humor may be your best attribute!"

"That is always pleasing to hear," Alan said sincerely.

They sat down and ordered after looking at the menu. They both chose south west chicken. Alan on his first bite rolled his eyes and hummed a bit. He tried the mesclum and wondered why he had never found this restaurant (oh, that's right, Denny detested salads), then he sampled the tomato, the avocado, black beans, and the chipotle with balsamic dressing. They then,by consensus. divided the bill and the tip in half. As they came out Alan admitted that he had never eaten in an organic health food restaurant before, and pronounced it superb and promised to have Dr. Fab approve all his restaurants thereafter.

Alan offered to drop the doctor off at his suburbian cottage/home, and at Fab's instructions he drove there, pulled up avoiding the flare of a street light when he parked in front of the house. Dr. Forrest asked Alan in for a nightcap or a coffee and dessert. Alan declined saying that tomorrow would be his first day back at Legal Aid, and then said, "Well, it is before 8pm, which is considerably before he would have retired before his heart trauma. He felt silly asking his date if he should go home and go to bed. Fab told him that his schedule had been pretty regulated for the past 6 months, and that he ought to feel his way for a while, set up a regular exercise time and meal time, then not to work beyond the point at which he found himself tiring, but that at least, he felt that Alan was out on 'parole', so to speak, and he thought that a few minutes inside the doctor's house was probably not ill-recommended. Alan stepped into Fab's neat little cottage with the floors clean, no dishes in the sink, and the furniture polished. The theme color was a light blue, with some woodland paintings and posters of famous runners, framed in wood frames on the wall. "I thought _I_ was neat!" Alan exclaimed at the lack of clutter and appearance every where of order and organization, except at the computer on Fab's work desk which was surrounded with many shelves of books. He had framed pictures of his mother and father on a whatnot shelf, and a television and sound-center. The dining room was more or less walled-off, and an open door revealed a tidy kitchenette beyond the living room. "Bathroom?" asked Fab thoughtfully after a few minutes. I know that some of those medications you are on can make it seem like a long way between rest stops."

Alan declined saying that he had taken advantage at the restaurant, but agreed that the distance sometimes seemed a bit extended. As directed, Alan sat on the tan leatherette sofa. and crossed his legs. Fab went into the kitchen and started a new pot of coffee. "I don't encourage all my patients to fly on caffiene all the time, but I know not every body likes tea, unless you prefer it.?"

Alan answered "The green tea we had in the restaurant was really appealing, but I also like coffee. With sugar substitute and milk."

" Did you always eat so conservatively before?" Fab asked Alan.

Alan replied that yes he had always been pretty conventional in his diet, but had found the cardiac modified diet agreed with him pretty well. Although he often had a bit more meat, and salt.

"I should think that in a few weeks you can pretty much return to whatever appealed to you before, although without the salt and the red meat. There is a print-out of the dietary restrictions for a diet friendly to heart disease, which I should have thought to give you before we left tonight. I'll pick up one tomorrow and bring it by. Of course that will mean that I will have to have your home and work addresses, I hate to be so bold as to ask for a phone number on the first date" Fab smiled almost shyly. He got a notepad from his work area and gave it to Alan along with a ball-point pen.

Alan wrote down the requested numbers and letters and handed back the pad.

Fab asked him what his home was like, and Alan answered that he lived alone in a hotel, until shortly before he moved in with Denny. The thought of moving back there instead of Denny's almost over came him, but he struggled through the moment, thinking that Dr. Forrest had already seen him melt into tears too often to be good for any relationship. That thought alone again almost turned the tears loose yet once more..

Dr. Forrest noticed the cloud pass across his face, and divined what had brought it on. "Do you plan to go back to the hotel, Alan?"

"It's not something that I had really thought about, although I should have, of course, when I disposed of Denny's property. I suppose I will for the near term. Then, I don't know what for sure."

Fab remembered that Alan had told him that he suffered from night terrors, and that Denny had begun to sleep with him at first to keep him from half waking and damaging himself. "Do you really think that is going to work out for you, alone?"

Alan sat and considered the question. Of course, there had been no problem when he was in the hospital. Now, he knew that he was going to have to approach the problem once again. Dr. Forrest asked him if he had ever sought counseling for the night terrors or the word salad. "Not exactly," Alan answered, "When the word salad began I went to a psychologist to find out what was going on. He told me that it was probably precipitated by anxiety."

"Well, I would think that once you get back to work, you will probably return to the anxiety that brought it on, especially now that there are compounding problems." Fab speculated. "Maybe if the symptoms re-appear, you ought o consider finding the right shrink!"

Alan's head began to hurt. So many things he thought he had covered now seemed almost insurmountable. Just disposing of Denny's property had been daunting enough, and trying to disregard the tears during business transactions had been almost impossible. Alan began to see how his repressed emotions could easily have led him to this state of personal apathy. It was almost as if his body had called for a time out, to allow his body to take into account the sadness, the responsiblity, the decisions he had. had to consider and on which he had to make decisions. He felt his head was going to explode. "Yes, Fab, yes, I know, my body and mind have not yet begun to process the loss of Denny and all that it means!"

Dr. Forrest nodded in agreement.. "I can see that you are still distraught. I wonder if you might not take off some more time from the legal aid clinic and catch up with your head and heart. Just do whatever makes you feel the most relaxed and de-stress yourself."

Alan felt his stomach knot up as he tried to think of the things that he enjoyed most doing. Fishing would not be the same without Denny, nor would anything else. He guessed that he enjoyed being an attorney as much as any thing else in his life. "But, Fab, what if what I enjoy most is working or anything involving Denny?"

"Do you not enjoy any crafts or visiting museums or listening to music, like tickets to the Boston Symphony Orchestra?"

"Of course I do enjoy the Symphony or art, but it's just that when I have enjoyed those things before, I have done them with Denny. He was my life!"

"Maybe time to meet and discover Alan again?" Fab guessed.

"I don't even remember there being an Alan before."

"Maybe go on a singles night to whatever you enjoy most?"

"Oh, mental exhaustion!" Alan groaned. "Like maybe bingo nights?"

"For a start," Fab suggested.

Alan groaned more loudly! My acqaintances had always been at law offices where I worked."

"Then maybe a cruise is what you need."

Alan got up and walked to the door, and the coffee maker shut off. Dr. Forrest hurried to get the cups and other things to prepare the coffee. He was glad for the disruption from the torrent of thoughts for which he really had no answer! "Well, at last," he exclaimed. "Now that you are ready to go, our coffee is ready, Alan."

Alan sat down at the counter between the dining room and the kitchenette. When Fab brought the coffee carafe to the counter with the milk and sugar, Alan poured himself a small cup. He tasted it and asked, "Is this some kind of special blend or something?"

"Yes," Fab answered, glad for something that he could answer. "it is a shade grown, central American free trade zone coffee put out by one of the free trade groups, or it is something from UNICEF,or something prepared by poverty level farmers in central America or someplace. I think it has a distinctive and robust flavor, myself."

"I agree with that," Alan responded. When he had drunk what little he had poured, he stood up again, and looked at Fab with a questioning gaze. He knew that on a heterosexual date it might be a bit early for a first kiss. But this man had seen every inch of his body already, and any mystery on his behalf was already dispelled. Fab helped Alan approach the door, and sliding his hands around Alan's waist. "I know you must be exhausted by now, and you have yet to walk in your own door for the first time in at least 6 months." He lowered his chin to Alan's level, and Alan looked up into his clear blue eyes. As Alan moved up for the kiss, his eyes began to run with tears again, unbidden. "I'm sorry for the waterworks, Fab, it is such a favored move but so missed for so long." Alan softened his tongue and touched it to Fab's just about 1/4 inch from the tip, when Fab brushed his lips on Alan's.

"And so treasured with someone who is now gone." Fab guessed..

Alan admitted that the kissing technique was not his own creation, but that a female lawyer at the law firm where he and Denny had worked had demonstrated it to her future boyfriend, as an example of the proper way to kiss."

Fab came up with, "And then he demonstrated it to you?"

Alan reddened, and said, "I was almost exclusively heterosexual at that firm. It was not a good place to experiment, although I understood that almost every one did."

Fab commented, "That must have been some law firm! I know that some doctors' office have their own routines and commitments, but hospitals are generally somewhat stodgey, and like some deorum."

Alan explained, "I know that we were all a bit unconventional, as I told Denny once, that I felt like one of the few un-extraordinary people there! That's not to say that there were not many excellent attorneys there and still after the transfer of the firm to Chinese hands."

Fab asked, "Then why are you not still there, Alan? Perhaps because Denny isn't?" Fab held his breath hoping that sentence did not bring on another crying spell. But he hoped in vain.

Alan collapsed back on the sofa, his shoulders heaving with great sobs. "Probably," he squeaked out. "I just wanted to do something less penurious, less profit-driven. I felt that most people couldn't afford to have an attorney when they needed one terribly."

"Alan, if you are trying to get me to care less for you, you really need to try harder. That sounds like a very admirable quality."

"No, Fab, no,no,no, I really mean that. I always felt guilty taking money for what I did, something like a hired gun."

"Don't I do the same thing? What are the major financial headaches in the American family today? Medical bills. And that is dealing with people's lives. Do you think I should go on the mission field?"

"Of course not, if you enjoy working within the medical field! And yes, I enjoy being an attorney. But I know that I have a natural gift for the law. And it never felt right to limit it to those who could afford what my firms were charging for something that I enjoyed doing so much. And,yes, I see your point, we each have to earn our livings, hopefully doing something we enjoy."

"But, Alan, I enjoy practicing medicine very much. I wouldn't want to do anything else!"

"And you shouldn't. I don't think I could have lived through that cardiac event without you."

"I don't disagree with that, but maybe you really have found a way to serve and still enjoy it. I take it that Denny had no appetite for pro-bono service"

"No, we were just very different in our views. Besides, when the new owners came in, they were determined to get rid of him. Why? Mostly for the very reasons that I loved him. He was unorthodox, he had an unusual sense of humor, he loved tweaking society's nose, and his illness made him all the more unorthodox. Really, now, I know if I don't get enough sleep that I will never be able to catch up at my job, and I do so want to be good at it, if for no other reason, not to cheat the clients who really do need me. They can't afford for me to be less than my best."

"Alan, you have made me want you all the more, you know."

"That wasn't my intention, Fab. I was just trying to be honest."

"And that, with your humor, are two of the things that make me desire you most! But maybe the night you get out of the hospital is not a very good idea!"

"The doctor knows best!" Alan returned, feeling like a fool for crying so much.

Fab got up to walk him to the door, "So you are going in tomorrow rather than waiting a bit?" Fab asked.

"I thought I'd wait and see how I feel in the morning. If do feel like motoring in, I think I will try the stairs to the seventh floor rather than taking the elevator, and just take it easy, not trying to complete all my aerobic work all in one day like I seem to have done last time there."

"Good thinking my dear. Just be sure you feel like going in before you do!" Fab slipped his arms around Alan's waist and pulled him close enough for Alan to discern that Fab was expecting another kiss. Alan kissed Fab back gently and held him too.

The next morning, Alan got up and walked to the bathroom, testing how steady his stride was and how centered his balance was. After he put some coffee on to brew, he walked into the bathroom for his daily routine. He tried liftng one leg after the other to test his strength and balance. The coffee maker signaled that his coffee was brewed, and although he had used much less coffee than he had before the hospital, he savored the aroma and taste. He made a mental note to get some tea before he returned that evening. He felt in control in his car and had no dizziness. He pulled into the parking garage and showed his space rental ticket. "Good to see you back, Mr. Shore," the parking garage attendant said. Alan nodded his greeting back and pulled into his labeled space. When he got his briefcase, he walk into the lobby and approached the stairs with caution. After he had passed the first floor level, he noticed no strain, probably because he felt that he was stronger and not pushing either. When he sat at his desk, he noticed that one of the other members of the firm had been using his workspace, which to him seemed wise,considering how long his space had gone unoccupied. He started with the traffic case on which he had been working last. He reacquainted himself with the case and started his computer to work on some background; As the day wore on, the other workers at the firm came to work, and one by one, they greeted him, noting how "buff" he had become, although some of them noted as well his pallor. When all had come in and commented, welcoming him back and promising to bring him up some new work later, he seriously tucked into the research on the traffic case. About 10:00 am, he noticed a tall shadow waiting in his outer area, and peeked around the corner into the outer office. Fab was there with a booklet of the admonishments of the cardiac department that he had promised to bring Alan today. "It's good to see you in your habitat, without tear streaks, and looking very much like a lawyer," Fabian remarked. "Here is the booklet I mean to give you yesterday."

"Thanks for running it up here, Fab", Alan greeted him. "Everything seems familiar and my body seems a lot stronger."

Fab asked, "Did you walk all the seven flights without a problem?"

Alan answered in the affirmative, then added "When I felt a little pain coming on, I just sat on the stairs until it went away. Thank you so much, Fab, and I thank all the cardiac facilities as well."

"I'll relay your gratitude to them all. It is always gratifying to see a cardiac patient return to work, as many need to stay in the hospital much longer." Fab walked over to him and made as if to embrace him. "Sorry, I don't know if that is cool here or not."

Alan accepted the embrace and replied, "This is a blue state, you know."

"Yeah, I know that but until I am certain that the work place is cool being in a blue state, I always try to be careful."

"Thanks so much for your sensitivity, Fab. I would like for you to meet my supervisor, at least. And show her that not all doctors are blood suckers. Come on down the hall." Alan lead the way to Ms. Melanie Johnson's office, a pleasantly plump 40-something woman with red hair and an intense attitude. "This is my cardiologist, Mr. Fabian Forrest, who coached me back to health at Boston General Hospital."

"Well, we all owe you a debt, Dr. Forrest! Mr. Shore, that is, Alan, is one of the most talented and well-known lawyers in Boston. I almost couldn't believe it when he wanted to volunteer here! And when I came in to work the morning of his ill-ness, I almost felt like having a coronary, myself.

"Well I know his dedication and single-mindedness in this area!" Fab said to her.

Alan proceeded to introduce Fab to all the other attorneys in a similar manner. They were all gracious and grateful to him for the return of their most celebrated colleague. Fabian then asked if he got an hour for lunch or if that was part of the dedicated time as well.

Alan said, "It is the time I am expected to nourish my physical body, yes, but I don't know of any health food restaurants around here. Although I do know of an organic grocery about two blocks from here which also has a picnic-like area in its yard,"

Fab snapped his fingers and ordered him to "Lead on, McDuff."

In the yard were two male couples making out. Alan suddenly found himself a little embarrassed, although it was not an uncommon sight around Boston. They went inside the organic grocery and each selected a healthy and tastey dish, then returned to the yard and picnic tables, which by then were deserted. "You are still uncomfortable with those guys, aren't you, Alan?" Fab asked.

"Uncomfortable, is probably the correct word," Alan conceded.

"You and Denny were not publicly affectionate?"

"Denny probably never get used to that, I must admit!"

"And you?"

"Probably not when public spooning involved me. But I am certainly accustomed to it by now and I always feel warm and happy for the couple involved."

"As long as one of the couple members is not you, huh?"

"I would have to admit that is true."

"Is that true if you are a one of a heterosexual couple?" Fab asked.

"I guess not so much so!" Alan admitted, looking down. In the old Jerry Seinfeld phrase, Alan said, "Not that there's anything wrong with it" He laughed lightly.

Fab had been afraid to mention Denny's name, and not without reason.

Alan began to tear up slightly. Fab mentally kicked himself, and wondered to himself if Alan would ever allow himself to be loved again.

Alan apologized profusely, and tried to excuse himself by starting back to his office. Fab insisted that there was no need for an apology, really. He repeated again that he totally understood the emotional wrenching that Alan had had. He said, "Just concentrate on your work and your work-out programs, and give it maybe another six months."

Alan had begun to wonder if even another six months would do it! He could not remember ever having cried so much in his life. Neither parents' death had been so devastating as Denny's. He told himself that it was because he had been so emotionally involved with Denny for so long. He seemed to be at the point where a pet owner is right after the loss of a beloved pet. At the time he felt he would never want another love or maybe even a friend. He remembered having felt a little bit like that right after his favorite cat died. I'm not going to have another kitten, no matter what happens. Of course, this case was even more devastating. He felt like he ought to go away somewhere, like where? Nimmo Bay? No, it had been ruined for him forever. by his marriage to Denny there. He decided to begin surfing the web that night after work to try to find a place away from Boston, that could lift him out of himself.

Alan began looking at himself... No he had not hit on everyone he had met at Crane, Poole and Schmidt. He looked back at Chelina. When she had come back to defend the black man who had been arrested for looking at houses in a white neighborhood, and made that wonderful closing reminding the jurors of the words of Martin Luther King and persuaded them that a man being arrested for looking at houses in a white neighborhood was a racial profiling case, Alan could remember having chill bumps of admiration while listening to her and being utterly thrilled at her words. Oh, yes, he had slept with her in Texas, after she had helped him get the intensity reduced on the mechanical bull he was riding But in Boston, he remembered giving what to him seemed like a very chaste kiss when she left. Oh all right, she was an exception, there were many others, but right then, he had treated her chastely! Of course, Denny would have rather that he had not been so chaste. He remembered that when Denny had just shot his therapist, whom Alan had never met. And Denny telling him in his defense that a man never introduces his wife to his mistress. Just hearing his words again in his head sent Alan off on another crying jag. He tried going back to the vacation site search, but he kept having to remind himself that where-ever it might be he would not have Denny with him. Now, why had he been trying to reassure himself that he was not as lecherous as those boys making out at the organic grocery? That was it. He was, he decided. He had felt so bad when watching them because he was envying them. Was not Fab at least as wonderful as Denny had been? But he was not Denny. Alan knew logically that he was being a stick-up-his-ass kind of guy right then. He didn't want to be the Brad who had no instinct for kissing with sincerity. So, he told himself, Denny was no more, although he would always have him as perhaps the best part of his life. Denny would never be out of his thoughts nor beyond his love. And Alan would never forget where and how he really learned to love! There was nothing more he could ever do for Denny, and suddenly he realized that Denny would be the last person to ask him to forget how to love. Fab had never asked him to forget Denny. Just the opposite, Fab had stated that a love like his and Denny's should never die. Alan decided that just to go out with Fab, was no disloyalty to Denny. And a few kisses, NEVER~disloyalty! Any more Alan wasn't sure of, but he had not experienced the intense desire for Fab that he had for Denny. He could not know if he ever would. But there would be plenty of time to find out, thanks to Fab. Not yet had Fab made Alan's penis tremble and twist with desire. Alan did not know what would happen when and if that occurred.

The next time Alan saw Fab was at his his monthly check-up. Fab warmed the stethoscope with his hand, then commented "Alan, your chest hair is almost totally absent, so I don't want to chill you with my stethoscope."

Alan retorted gently with a smile, "Yeah, I'm, such a bear!", pinking up a little. "no, never have been one of the manly sort who has to shave his chest. Lucky me! On the other hand I don't have to wax it either", at which Fab sniggered a bit.

Fab returned, "I've never been one of the many pursuing bears. And your fingernails are manicured, are they not? And I noted that when you were unconscious in the E.R., and all the rest of you is well- groomed and impeccable. Way to hide yourself, bro! I even noticed that when you were naked on the observation table!"

"Well," Alan remarked, "Just wait until you see me in my spiffy lawyer duds, is what I would have thought had I known I was being appraised. By the way, isn't that like being stalked, is that the least like being molested?"

Fab drew himself up: "That is in the mind of the doctor! Or is that illegal to the mind police?"

" Not my mind, I would be the last to protest! My own record would bring out the hypocrisy of my own history, for sure, but I am more guilty of the same error with the opposite sex..."

"Perhaps I should ask if I am in danger of being sued for abuse...?"

"Should I be turned suddenly into a woman, I can't think how I would ever sue a man for whistling at me, rather I would be complimented and give him the high sign to keep it up! I fall for flattery too easily!"

Fab smiled slyly and put his stethescope on Alan's chest, and slipped his other hand down Alan's spine in a warm caress.

Alan's nipples erected,and he felt his penis level. His mouth grew dry, 'What now,' he asked himself. He hadn't had to consider this happening as long as he had not experienced it with Fab. Now it had. He tried to keep a logical train of thought, but in this condition, Alan found it hard to be calm and unaffected,

"Sounds strong and steady," Fab reported at the end of his examination. "But a bit fast!"

Alan reddened noticably. "That is why I have never liked going to a doctor. It is like having yourself stripped bare and having no place to hide!"

Fab stepped back and surveyed his patient. "Yeah, I would say you have excited your heart, and other organs as well!"

"I promised myself a break from worrying about this until I myself became excited by you personally. So, now I am officially excited by you!"

"Sorry about that", Fab replied.

"There was a time when I had sexual problems, and some one sent me to a sexual surrogate. She helped me enormously. I had begun to think of returning to see her after Denny died. I was that desperate!"

"Do you really think that appropriate with a homosexual relationship?"

"No, I suppose not, Fab."

"Do you think there is any possibility, that I could consult with one of Boston General's sexual surrogates on this subject so that I might be able to help you."

Alan sighed deeply. "Fab, my mother didn't touch me much, except that every year at the first of

school, she would measure me for pants, and just her touch of her on my inseam. I guess I have

never been able to open myself to some one caring for me again."

"Not so, Alan. it seems to me that you opend yourself to Denny, even more than anyone else. Isn't

that so?" Fab asked gently. "If it works, whether he is dependent on the other person or not, what does that matter?. So if the dependence is not there but the attraction is, doesn't that make it even better?" Fab felt like he was trying to talk some one down from a ledge (which he felt he might be).. Alan, why won't you let me help you? Is it that you feel that you might be unfaithful to Denny? Denny is no longer with us, except in your heart, where I expect he will always be!"

"Don't you think I know that?" Alan retorted. "And I like you very much, Fab. I'm afraid that I can only hurt you..

Fab said carefully, "I know that you are afraid to trust again. And I'm afraid I can never be Denny"

Alan answered amidst his sobs. "You should never want to be anyone other than you are. That is pretty fantastic in itself!"

Fab tried a lighter tone."Hey, we have an advantage! Gay men do not have to marry, that should take some of the tension out of it, and I can tie our legs together in bed, as you did with Denny. I know I might be harder to pull out of bed when you have night terrors, but I believe I'd make a hell of a thump if you pulled me out of bed. Maybe as a medium dedication trial, we could just move you out of your hotel and into my bungalow. You can furnish it any way you like, and either of us can cook or do the washing. I promise to clean the house, unless you feel more wifely!"

That evening, they took Fabian's SUV to Alan's hotel and they picked up those of his things he thought he would need at Fabian's bungalow. Fab held his hand tightly all the way home. Alan could only think how much Fab must care for him to put up with all his sniveling.

The End?


End file.
